Behind the First Day Smile: Helping Kids (and Parents) Navigating Back-to-School Emotions
- Danielle Shomler Marsh
- Sep 9
- 5 min read
Back-to-school means so much more than the new backpack and first day pictures-it is navigating new schedules, new routines, endless amounts of paperwork, tracking down supply lists, new teaching styles, new friends-all while trying to maintain the usual hustle of family life. This creates an emotional undercurrent that can feel overwhelming for children and adults with chronic stress, anxiety, trauma, neurodivergence, chronic illness or any heightened sensitivity to change. This blog offers trauma-informed tools for better understanding what's happening to your child's nervous system, regulation tips for you and your child, and ways to foster connection during this seasonal shift.
Change and transitions can be very dysregulating. The dysregulation can trigger a trauma response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) in your kids. It is especially challenging for those who may experience inconsistent environments at home, separation anxiety, social anxiety, perfectionism, or prior school-related stressors. The brain craves predictability and the switch from summer (less structure) to school (more structure) can increase cortisol levels and create inner chaos for even the most high functioning kids (and adults). Dysregulation can look different for each child but common signs include:
Meltdowns or shutdowns
Physical complaints: stomach ache, head ache, fatigue, increase/decrease in appetite or changes in sleep patterns
Mood swings and irritability (laugh it up my pre-teen/teen mamas out there)
Emotional regulation starts with YOU. Kids learn emotional regulation during formative years by parents regulating with them-called co-regulation. Over time, this changes to be more adaptive and they learn to tools and tricks to regulate themselves. Aim to give the kids your calm and connection, not your anxiety.
Okay, that is easier said than done. You have filled out the same information 10x, the new shoes are lost, and you still haven't found a green folder for math. How can I give them calm? Routines create and build safety and security. To start, put on your oxygen mask first. Regulate yourself with grounding and breathing exercises. These can be used wherever you are. Breathe in for 4 seconds-hold for 7-release for 8, it will start to calm your overactive nervous system. Name your feeling: "I'm feeling rushed, but I can focus on my breath for one minute." Place one hand on your chest and other on your stomach, feel your chest rise and fall and your feet firmly planted on the ground below you. Humming, singing, sipping cold water, or chewing gum/mints are other ways to bring yourself back to calm.
As a family, get in the habit of a regulation routine. Start the day with a grounding exercise over breakfast or in the car on the way to drop off. Check in with your five senses. What do I feel/hear/smell/taste/see? Make the grounding even more effective by visualizing your peaceful place (can be made up or somewhere you have visited) and engage the five senses in that snapshot. Is there a particular worry that will impact the childs day? Ask to keep it with you until they return from school or create a safe place they can store them to get out at a later time. An affirmation can also be a great start to the day to help provide a reminder of hope/security/peace. Kids love being involved with the creativity of deciding an affirmation for the family. Mine uses "Team Weird, We can do hard things!"
Continue the regulation routine to after school. Aim for hitting the basic needs (water, food, rest) first to give your child time to take off the school 'mask'. It can be hard to remember, but big feelings directed toward you as the parent show safety and security. Avoid open ended questions like "how was your day?" when your child first gets home when they are already in an emotionally flooded state. Instead try more of a direct question to decrease pressure for a perfect response, "would you like some quiet time or a snack first?" Have go to sensory items available or a cozy corner ready: weighted blankets or stuffed animals, kinetic sand, fidget toys, fuzzy sweatshirt, really cold drinks, or even a chill playlist queued up. After some time, those open ended questions won't feel so overwhelming. Bonus, you are more likely to get more information about their day after some rest!
Normalize their feelings (and yours) with empathy. "Change can cause lots of big feelings. We will figure it out together." Some kids do really well with seeing their schedule to help regulation (family calendar, daily calendar, etc). After a busy day, having a movement routine can help calm their overstimulated nervous system as well (family dance party, obstacle course, or a kid friendly HIIT routine--an example is shown below)
Frog Jumps: Hop back and fourth like a frog
Bear Walk: Hands and feet on the floor, with tail up high
Crab Crawl: Hands/feet flat on the floor, with belly pushed off the ground and crawl
Starfish Jumps: Jumping Jacks
Cheetah Run: Run in place or have a race
Elephant Stomp: March in place with knees up high and stomping hard as feet hit the ground
During the hustle of the week, it can be hard to prioritize family time and fun. But this time is important for nervous system reset and resilience building. Plan an activity or day that can be spent together to connect and anchor. A family game night, walk around the neighborhood, watching a movie, or cooking together can provide the whole family much needed emotional regulation. Another way to build regulation is giving your child autonomy. Let them be in charge and choose one part of their week (within reason for your family). The choice provides a sense of control which calms and regulates after being out of control during the school day.
A gentle reminder for my parents: you do not have to get it perfect. You just need to be present and consistent! Your nervous system is the most powerful regulation tool for your child--no matter what developmental age. It may take a while for you to find the right routine that is best for you and the family. Give yourself grace and compassion as the family adapts to the new normal again. If the day is hard, it does not mean you have failed. Be curious, flexible and remind yourself of your humanity to try again the next day. Back-to-school does not have to mean back-to-stress. With the right tools, transitions can become an opportunity to build trust, resilience and connection. If you or your child are struggling with emotional regulation, feel free to reach out to me at emberhavencounseling@gmail.com to develop a plan for a smoother school year together.
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